A weekend

Yes the proverbial: I have not blogged in such a long time &  many times blogs have been unfinished…unpublished.

Writing about this weekend would be easier than anything else and I have broken the habit of writing in the moment as I am not so rational and ranting has not been cute at least for me.

So we meet again: utility bills, salary and other bills. (Disclaimer: I do not write to complain but to state the truth, if we share the same sentiments then ten points for common interests).

Thursday @11am: Oh look the bank decided to clear the cheque and the never-ending hope that accounts slipped up and added a 0 occurs. Signed in, click enter, wait for page to load….I/we have been given something to keep our head, not our necks, above water. Immediately as any responsible person should, the bills get paid first, note: I need to conserve on water even if I thought I have, then move on to the other bills such as paying for school I did – thank God I did not waste time or else I would be so bitter, and of course the time came for inaugural visit to check my lady parts. God knows it would suck to avoid cancer at all costs and still get it *shudders*.

Cash, swipe, another swipe, and budget! *3/4 of salary exists pocket left*

Still have a few things on the list that come before myself, every month is trial and error. If I buy this it means there is no way to get funds until another salary cheque which is really a month long, I feel every day of the month.  Last month, I decided not to buy lunch but to make it before work, liking to cook finally came in handy but dear food is not cheap (*reality nothing is near free in this life*) but small mercies it means saving money by less visits to the doctor for food borne illnesses or lifestyle illnesses through preparing and eating healthy. After all there are some pounds that have to go so I don’t waddle around the place. I remember three things: sugar is the devil, water is good and exercise is a must.

Since Season is over, at least I have Saturdays and Sunday mornings outside the studio. Yes we have left Thursday @ 11am a long time ago, keep up its Sunday night! I did not get my produce to cook lunch so I guess its buying lunch today (Monday). I do not have the life to wake and see clothes pressed and in my closet, actually, I see clothes that needs to be ironed, but no worries ironed it at 4am. Sleep does wonders but does not magically make all the tasks I have completed during my sleep. I say I need work clothes but what I need is a steamer, gosh I despise ironing but hey will not pay anyone to do it for me -keyword is saving- I have to look polished and a dab of Milani once I wake up will cover the stresses of the weekend.

All was not lost as I volunteered at the Centre, while some go to hospitals and nurseries for our golden aged citizens, I devote my time to giving back to the Centre for Creative Arts its not the noble picture of helping children with cancer paint (as we often see in the ads) but me offering time to a place which means a lot to me. I may not be the best dancer or singer but it helps me stay balanced and I love helping in whatever little way possible.

So as I combat the early morning symptoms of sinusitis by adding eucalyptus oil to hot water or just going back to sleep, I look forward to the shiny penny job  (not all glamorous but is anything?). I try to build a thick skin of self esteem (taking a while) of being surrounded by some fortunate people and dealing with the reality that I have worth too just that my goals take a bit longer to be achieved -easier said than done. I also try: to be friendly even though I have terrible luck at friendships; to smile regardless of the fact that the latest blood vessel in my eye was post frustration at home; to dab some more Milani on the acne scars on my cheek ’til they appear to go away; to send a text to a friend(s) who possibly believes that I have forgotten her but I rarely forget persons if ever, I am just in a different space; to try and keep hope that one day I will be who and where I want to be.

I appreciate that God has carried me, well not carried me but I worked (hard) with him to be where I am now. I appreciate being a step closer in my career and in life. Sometimes I wish to be privy to whether my goal will be achieved but I will have to work towards that time. I also appreciate that I have to develop the habit of moving on, as life goes on whether I want to sit on the bench or stay in the game, and that the person(s) I love are not perfect and even if I do not have the closest friendships in the world that sometimes there are others out there searching for my hand as much as I search for theirs.

Happy Father’s Day to:

The one who does not let his offspring feel like she worth’s nothing because she did not graduate from high school with honours or special prizes.

The one who knows how to treat his wife and children in ways time and situations can not change.

The one who truly understands friendship and relationship; and does not try to suffocate their child (ren) social lives.

The one who would never look on their offspring and curse.

The one who knows to apologize.

The one who will not use the past to stain and destroy the future and expect the offspring to accept that you have failed.

The one who has pride in being a father and appreciates their offspring for everything that they do and become.

The one that does not anger their offspring to the point of giving up on life.

The one that does not sit around and expect every thing handed to him when he does nothing but create misery and true hatred.

The one that is of some use, the one that their child can look on in times of dire need to help with employment or any valuable life lessons.

The one that is open to learning as much as teaching.

The one who knows how to fall in line when their spouse is terminally ill or otherwise.

The one who will never slam the door in the face of their offspring.

The one who never disown or finds it right to malice their offspring.

The one who even in times of struggle, never let it overwhelms him to the point of unhealthy addiction which is a contributing factor to the illness of said spouse.

The one that does not brag about a child that the last time you have helped with anything was when they were in grade 6.

To me being a father is not only about what you may have done but the things that you do and continued growth in the future. The things that can make you appreciated and all I have spoken about is not the commercialized version of a materialistic child but one that needed more than that. I have decided not to put myself through the pain to wish the one  I live with such wishes anymore, it is pure hypocrisy but I can thank him for the wisdom that I would never be with anyone who is like him. It is a choice between either putting salt to the wound [by sharing such wishes] or moving on [as I have decided a week ago to bury him out of my life and speak it into being].

I thank all the fathers who I would ever want, in good and bad times.

It is amazing that I have met honourable men who would make me feel like the daughter anyone would want to have. [Maybe this is God's way of giving me what I really need]

Signed – the young woman who will love regardless.

Optimism

I rarely use the word optimism.

On many occasions I would call myself realistic and not pessimistic.

Yet, I find myself often looking towards the future. Not a day goes by without me scribbling in my daily planner or bustling in the name of being proactive – which by practice has become very much second nature.

However this has taught me about being flexible when 'plans' fall through – and being able to let go.

Letting go has been one of my demons, the source of memories and experiences. It has been the reason for the hate/love/hate relationship with my father; the insecurity for and in friendships; the doubts and fears in my relationship that are very real; and the uncertainty with everything else.

Not letting go makes it easy for tension to arrive – hearing, seeing, interpreting things more than they possibly are (if they are even there).

I had experiences of being lied to, betrayed, lied on, cheated on, scandalized, in one word: HURT.

But who has not been hurt? It’s a part of life – so it seems. It’s a part of life to feel any way that we do.

But its a part of life to let go. Not being affected as much or at all as in the past.

Letting go is something that is personal, you can not force it or fake it. The truth, once you allow to recognize it, will tell you your progress.

Letting go opens the window for hope, promise, chance, peace of mind, a breath, an exhale…

In one day it came to me, that these walls could be curtains and the doors could be windows.

Letting go shall be the mandate for my optimism.

Let Go – Frou Frou

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I really hate l…

I really hate living. 

Note 29 March 2012

I really would love to take each day in stride or as it comes, but, I am so worried about my future that I am in a constant range of panic.

At least today I can get look forward to Easter cookbooks.

It’s like this

This is whatever I make it.

This is what separates us – those who have and those who do not.

This is what keeps me out of school regardless of my preference.

This is what reminds me I am more optimistic than I thought.

This is what I must do to survive.

Giving up is not what this is. Strength is a part of this.

I get like that…

In my bed looking at the computer and ran through the list of incomplete chores.

No one is speaking to me, no call, no text. Just in bed – it seems like I am alone.

However it is not so, my parents are also here just not hearing them.

These are the times of involuntary loneliness and it makes me sigh.

- I get up and head to the kitchen – Let me not allow the hunger be another unwelcome guest.

Where have I been?

So many things have happened since I last posted a blog.
I decided to take some needed time out [isolation] to sort out my life.
Of course many will think ‘mi dash dem whe’ but that is the furthest from the truth.
To be honest, all friends can do is empathize with you but that does not get you much further when you end the conversation, I will still have to sit and continue my attempt at sorting my life.
Anyways, it is something I think is best for me, I really need to focus and it gets harder as the obstacles come along.

I have really not spoken with anyone really and I have had episodes of real sadness, de-motivation, loss morale, everything you can think of and the occasional misunderstanding leading to cry fest argument with Michael.
Yes this is my random update btw.

So degrees are awarded, congrats to you all, me? I currently lack the will to even participate but as the mood lightens who knows? I am not the one to stay in one place so its really about the next step.
My next step was LLB; however [insert days of depression, another vessel bursting in my right eye, and deep feelings of sadness, anguish and self destruction thoughts], I do not have the money so I had to REJECT THE OFFER. I mean I somehow knew this but I also knew I would feel this way when it came along.

Currently my summer job is a bitch but at least it helps reduce the dinner less nights. I did a few interviews and should be starting a new year long job this august. This will be towards my past loan and hence it will be tough and a lot of sacrifice. BUT its all about the bigger picture right?

In the meantime I will indulge out and about, but please world do understand, I am doing this time out for both of us. Its not polite to be the sucky person or the one that will drain the colours from the rainbow, so when I am ready I will be out and about [even though I just naturally don't communicate well] and hope I won’t be given some cold shoulder or that comment I mentioned earlier.

I just need space and time to deal with my growing pains, afterall, wherever I see myself I have to be the one to create that path. No one else can really make your destiny or your career for you.

-Love Christine